cfs, Dear M.E

Dear M.E

When asked the question, “If you could go back ten years knowing all you know now, would you?” I think of all the things i’ve had power to change, the things I would change about myself now, and answer no. because all the time machine’s  in the world, all the hours taken back, recounted, like miles in reverse, would not change you, M.E, you were not a mistake i made as a child, like falling off the climbing frame, you were a fate forced upon me with inevitability, ten years back in in time would not change you, only lengthen you, that piece of string you are would grow inexplicably longer.

10 years ago you and i shared my life much like we do now, in this push and pull of power, only then our tide was whipped into a frenzy, awash with whirlpools and deep undercurrents that threatened to drown us. So, despite the things i would change, the choice i would make differently, despite the way i could play around with the fates and incur a stream of good fortune to come upon us, the one thing I truely want change, the one thing i’d pay my soul for is unchangeable, for you M.E, were inevitable.

But this question causes me to look back, evaluate my decisions, the ways i carved my own fate, and i see there is power in ignorance, if I had known then what I know now, maybe i would have rushed into somethings and avoided others. maybe i would have changed my life and myself and miss the me I am now. I think about the most important relationships in my life, and i realize it was time that strengthened us, healed us, it was time, not definitive choices,  And i don’t think i could relive it all again M.E, in ten years you have isolated me and battered with wave after wave of you, and it has taken all this time to get to a place where you and I are understood by those that love me, where we accounted for, not ignored.

i don’t know if these last ten years will have been the worst in my life, I am skeptical enough to realize that it could get worse. But what i do know is a lot has changed, and there are people i lost along the way, who i thought would always be here, and sometimes I yearn to go back, make a different choice, but I know those years are gone, and I not not desire to go back, only to go forward, for ignorance of the future breeds hope, and I, M.E, hope that 10 years from now you will be gone.

Yours Bitterly



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