Dear M.E

You make me feel like my time is limited, Like I’m running against a ticking clock, and each twitch of the clock’s hands inch me closer to the day you fulfil your threat.

Today during my rant to a friend, I admitted I want a kid, it’s no secret really, I think you could make enough of a compromise to let me have a child, No? Not that it is really an option for me, You don’t make it very easy to meet anybody. Plus the things you have already done to my body make any pregnancy a risk.  But having a child is not on my “after M.e” I’m not going to wait for you to relinquish your claws on me to have a child. Because you make me feel like i don’t have time. How long before the swelling of my head damages my mind?  how long before the painkillers you force me to take destroy my liver? How long do I actually have M.E?

The Boom and Bust theory of M.e, is that your victims over do it when they feel well, and crash quickly into your grasp. I think wanting a child now, for me, is part of this theory, It’s like I want my life now, Because you know, this might be the best it gets. This might be as well as i ever am. This could be it. So can I just do the thing I want most in this world, and have a child?

But i think of the stress that would cause you, and god forbid if anything went wrong, that would destroy me. And i wonder if this desire is selfish, what would you do to the child? You cause me enough stress, what is having a mother who is tired ALL of the time like? What would it be like to have a mother screaming in pain with a headache when you’re crying too? Could i deal with the teething? the crying? Could you and I even do that? Is that possible?

But i think of it, and I know  I’d be so bloody happy with a kid. People dream of true love, and soul mates, and I don’t do that anymore, I don’t see a husband in my future, I see a son or daughter. I see myself raising them to love books, and anime, i see us building a blanket fort. i see it. That is what i want in my future. That is all i want.

I heard mother’s complain of how constricting have a child is, how they never go out anymore But M.e I’ve lived with you all my life, you’ve trained me to be the ultimate stay at home mum.

I know it is naive, But i’ve read examples of pregnancy helping you calm down, I’ve read studies in how the hormones affect your potency, how they dull you down. Maybe that is me. Maybe this is why i feel like that’s it, that is all I need.

i know this all sounds so stupid, there are so many mothers out there with wide eyes thinking “You don’t know what its like. how hard it is”  And you know what, I don’t, I really don’t. I’ve had no brothers and sisters. or much experience at all, but despite all the cons, All the reasons not too, this is the one thing which you won’t persuade me to give up. And you and I we’re going to have to find some peace with that, you have to compromise somehow, otherwise you’ll have no body to extort, and In the end M.E you are the reason I feel the need to rush into this, because you make me feel like i have so little life left.

Yours bitterly

Me

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2 thoughts on “

  1. Childlessness is the thing I most struggle with too. A lot of other hopes and dreams I’d be willing to compromise on or be willing to live without but being a mum isn’t one of them. Having to accept that I may never have a child is a constant struggle especially at an age where most of my friends are having their second, third or even fourth kids. Even if I had a child, I still couldn’t be the mum I’d want to be and I’d hate to see my illness deprive my child of the chance of a ‘normal’ childhood. I guess it’s something that’s really hard for anyone to truly understand unless they’re living it.

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    • Exactly, I’ve spent most of my life making compromises because of this illness, and adjusting to its way of life and not the life I wanted to lead. But when it comes to having a child I don’t want to compromise. I know there are a lot of things I won’t be able to give the child, but I know that child would have so much, the good thing with me is that I have a brilliant support system and what this illness deprives my child of would be given by other people in my life.
      I don’t know what your illness is, but try not to think of the things you couldn’t give your future child, think of all the love, wisdom, and support you could give your child. I hope you’re OK, and that your future is filled with the smiles and love of a little one. Xx

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